:(

I deleted my Facebook a couple months ago. I was on it today (via Jordan's account) and I am remembered why. Facebook has the ability to make you lonely while it tells you how many friends you have. It ruined my night. I feel really detached because of it.

Best. Decision. Ever. (to delete, that is).

Maybe it just accents loneliness. who knows? maybe we all just need hugs sometimes.

if you don't actually know me, this may be too personal.

Since October 26, I've been lost. You may remember me mentioning the GRE during the summer, when I attempted to prepare myself for it. I bought a book and never opened it. Then I paid $350 to take a class to prepare me. and I went each week, for 8 hours. and I thought it was enough to prepare me. But I never studied outside of the class time (FAIL). Then I took the exam on October 26. and I bombed. miserably. it was probably the most nervous I had ever been. more nervous than taking my driving test, which basically had me hyperventilating, more nervous than when I ride public transit and some methed out guy starts smelling my hair. I really lost it in there. I found myself clicking just to get out of there, KNOWING, it was going to lead to failure.

So, here I am, one semester from graduation, with a test score slapping me in the face and making me question my entire capacity for academia. At first, my vigor for chasing my dreams of graduate school surpassed my doubts, I was ready to sign up for the test again and hope for better luck. (I don't really care what people say, the GRE is based so much on luck that it is pretty ridiculous.)

But then it hit me. Maybe I WON'T go to grad school. Then I have this handy degree in journalism that can get me pretty far...right? No. I really don't see myself doing that either. Then there was the brief epiphany: law school. It was my answer to sticking it to the GRE. But I think that was all it was, me trying to get back at the GRE for really messing with me. So once again, I was scared for what the future could hold. Me, out of school and with no options.

But I'm taking it again. December 29 at 9 a.m. See if I can study more, apply myself more and work on my concentration. Maybe even kick its ASS. Because I really am letting this test push me away from where I've been walking all along.

I love you all.

H8

Pretty sick of these things:

1. Being the bad guy, when I am doing my job (and pretty well, if I do say so myself).

2. Being considered a 'bitch' because I am a strong-willed female, but if I were male, it would merit respect.

3. Feeling a powerful hate for other people's enemies. and taking hate way too personally, probably because it really has come to consume me in ways that make me feel sick.

4. Facebook. I want to delete it, but then I would feel like I didn't know anything about anyone. So I'm torn, but it honestly makes me feel really awful about myself.

5. That's all for now. I'm pretty drained emotionally. blah blah blah....

Closet Mouse, the beginning....

I was sitting on my bed doing homework, (OK, I was really watching season two of Mad Men), when out of the corner of my eye, I see a brown furry creature scurry into my closet. I scream, as I am not accustomed to seeing mice. The mouse proceeds to crawl all over my shoes and then hide in some crevice in the back of the closet and has still not come out.

I do live in a movie theater, which is probably mouse heaven. (but not the kind of heaven I want this mouse to go to, if you know what I mean...) but heaven in the sense that the mice living in my ancient building have access to all the popcorn and candy they can eat, and all the spilled soda they can lick off the sticky theater floors. I only wish my closet, of all places, was exempt from their habitations.

Also, the closet in my movie theater apartment is the smallest I have ever had, meaning, all of my shit is stuffed in as tightly as possible. my dresses are hanging down to the floor, as it is a low closet as well.

How am I to proceed with this? By the time most of you read this, the problem will most likely been solved because my incredible husband will have come home from work and will have saved the day by moving my shoes around and finding the mouse. . . but what if the mouse isn't found? what if I stick my foot into one of little shoes and happen to find him? should I launder all my clothes that hang low enough to touch the ground in caution?

Help. and yes. I did cry uncontrollably for over 30 minutes, unable to contain not only my fear of foreign creatures in my living quarters, but also, the fact that IT WAS CRAWLING AROUND ON MY STUFF...

i'll be an expert on all things east asian

Currently, I am wearing my retainer. It most closely resembles a football mouthguard and it supposedly corrects my bite. I have this HUGE overbite, in case you have never noticed. Anyway, I haven't wore this thing in over a year. But my jaw certainly is out of whack, thus excessive popping and teeth grinding have ensued. Hopefully, my retainer can salvage what my mouth has done to itself.

I was really annoyed by all the glorious talk about school today. Every one was tweeting about it or status updating about how much they were dreading school, which really bothers me because I really love school. and it turned out to be an utterly enormous disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love UVU. I have a deep passion for the institution and its academics. I have learned more at UVU than I ever imagined I would and I have met some INCREDIBLE people along the way.

Today was my first day of observing school, rather than feeling as though I was a PART of it. Does that make any sense at all? I felt this deep disconnection from the entire fleet of students that flocked in the CS corridor and masses waiting alongside me at the bus stop. Have I been gone too long? Something was different, though I still can't quite put my finger on it. The most obvious incident included shirtless males, holding their breaths as they casually walked around outside, flexing their muscles and making sure everyone was noticing their "ripped" torsos. It sort of disgusted me. Actually, it really disgusted me, and still makes my stomach knot. Other numerous incidents continued to appall me.

I think I value the idea of a UVU being a fine university. The professors I have had the pleasure of learning from certainly have the chops to define it as one, as do most of the programs. But what about the caliber of students? Is the average student one that would comfortably and genuinely think the idea of walking around shirtless to impress freshman babes is a good thing? Does that really fit that vision of a university student? seems like goddamn high school to me. it really infuriates me. my fingers are shaking so much. or is being responsible, mature and studious an enigma for most colleges?

Maybe I am being selfish, but I think I deserve to have better classmates than that. I deserve to have a campus full of people there to effing learn, not to be SEEN. Not going to college has become such a faux pas, but really, it ISN'T for everyone. Like those "bros" that were so apparently not intelligent. That's really crass of me to think I have more of a right to going to school than these other people. but I guess I just feel like I contribute to the community, not dash all hopes of it ever being respected.

sorry. I guess I should stop passing judgment. I find it hard not to. I find it hard not to think about as I cringe when I walk through the halls and feel like such an alien in a place I once felt comfortable and safe. and now I feel like such an outsider among miscreants.

I have long supported the idea of open enrollment, as it gives students opportunity. I am aware of both the upside and downside of open enrollment. However, I do not think this is the root of my problem. I think the root of my problem is the fact that I feel anxious in any social situation and I can't help but compare my space with some asshole that doesn't wear a shirt. I feel naked. and I feel like I should just stop now. otherwise, I will definitely cry. oh yeah., I'm taking a class called International Relations of East Asia. and I am insanely excited.

maybe you care, maybe not

I have come to a few conclusions this summer:

I need a job where I can be busy and loud and bubbly all the time. ALL. THE. TIME. Otherwise, I criticize myself and read into every little thing about my job and, in turn, hate it so much and then hate [me] by association.

I have some anxiety issues. Resulting in numerous breakdowns of uncontrollable crying, sobbing, hyperventilating and loss of control. I'm sure I'll 'come out of the closet' on this anxiety thing more later…I'm sure you are sitting on the edge of your seat for that. (insert rolling eyes here). Luckily Jordan is pretty much amazing and let's me lose it and then helps me gather myself together again.

I am really happy when I listen to happier music. Aside from my dreary tunes, I have recently shifted to listen to radio in my car, not the same CD's I've listened to for 5+ years. Instead, I listen to talk radio and the nightly offerings of KRCL. And maybe even my old obsession, Morrissey, is back on my happiness radar. How happy he makes me, indeed.

I mean, just look at this dreamboat: then and now, still incredibly dreamy.

He is sad enough for the both of us. (Just ask him.) But really, he makes me swoon in cheerful bliss. And that has been a long time coming.

I've refrained for long enough

Last night, I was watching Fox with my bestie Katey Jones. After the program had finished, Fox News at 9 started. The mousy on-scene reporter began her newscast by reading from a piece of paper. She was reporting on the charges being dropped for the Main Street Plaza kiss controversy. Seriously, she was looking to her notes after every 3 words, as if she had no idea the background on the story.
If you LIVE in the state of Utah, you are bound to have heard about this. (Let alone if you are in the local news industry, you have heard about it DAILY) So that lady is either oblivious or just completely incompetent at being a journalist. (even a broadcast journalist).
That frustration aside, this video turns up:



I have been appalled by this story. The more that accumulates around it, the more disgusted I become. Of course, no one knows the whole story about what went down and who is telling the truth. I find it hard to believe that the gay couple was doing anything raunchy or foul in the plaza. I also find it easy to believe that church security would step in and ask politely for any sign of affection being exchanged between a gay couple to stop.

If affection is the crime, the church should hold heteros to the same standard. (According to my estimation) 20 couples get engaged in the plaza every night, that number increases by 90 percent on Friday and Saturday nights and holidays. I have personally seen couples making out for extended periods of disgustingly sloppy kissing. I have also noticed these people are not tactful in their affection and have no shame in being "intimate" on church property, or in public, for that matter.

This is all pretty redundant to the other statements made on the bias and homophobia exhibited by church security. But I feel very passionately about the rights of human beings and the treatment given those we disagree with.

I believe in symmetry. (Thanks Conor). I believe in all for one and one for all. If we have a mutual respect for those that differ from us, we will in turn have a greater respect for our place in the universe. Witnessing an innocuous act of holding hands or even sharing a simple kiss should give us a hopeful sense of purpose. Love exists and in some form, is manifesting itself to you through other people. Symmetry on this issue would prove to make us whole, instead of dividing a community on issues that run deeper than homophobia and religion, but rather as a statement on fear of acceptance.

Public ground should not be owned by someone. That, I do feel strongly about. Inhibiting the rights of people's expression, whether physical or verbal is detrimental to any sort of society. If the church wants to make the plaza private, then gate it off. Do not feign a public premise when it is privately owned, or at least promoted as public, with visitors welcome, but keep the "this is private property" card close in hand so, if someone does anything you disagree with, you can kick them off the grounds. Ownership does not allow for unadulterated bigotry. Toleration of hate should not be perpetuated because of power, or private-property-feigning-as-public.

I worry about downtown. With all of its "rising" and being bought...maybe the freedom of expression will also be bought and rendered. But as long as you abide by behavior deemed "acceptable" you should be fine. sick.